18.11.11

Auto Eroticism

  If you've been following me on FB or here on the blog, you know that I've been sort of seeing someone; you've likely caught notes of content and malcontent in my postings. A friend noted that my broadcasting to the world was similar to posting in his journal, save for the public nature of a blog; there's truth to that statement and I can see the benefit of organizing one's thoughts, but I envision this virtual journal offering insight into my inner self and hope that my words will sometime resound with those who are reading them. We are all more alike than we often choose to admit; what I am willing to commit to words I am often privately told is very similar to what those in my peer group are thinking. Herein lie things sticky, stripped of niceties, vernacular, graphic even; thus I delve.
  A new friend of mine quipped that men are always thinking about sex--a common sentiment shared by mainstream media, Hollywood & magazines catering to both genders. Whether or not he (they) are right is up for debate, but I know myself well enough to state that this holds true for me. It is important that I offer up a warning of sorts here: finding someone attractive or noticing a man's physical attributes does not always imply that one is having sexual thoughts about the noted subject. I (and I'd like to think you) am certainly capable of taking note of the Italianate guy sitting across the room and his piercing green eyes, eyes that remind me of an inquisitive cat I once knew. I appreciate those eyes and what they remind me of, pondering if the nature of that cat is mirrored in this man. Do I find him attractive? Yes, but not in a sexual way; his face, while striking, is too striking, as though he sleeps with one of those ridiculous gel packs on at night, uses internet-ordered Oil of Olay products & shaves every 3.5 hours. Attractive? Yes. Fuckable? Up for debate. This warning out of the way, I do think about sex a lot. Maybe more than a lot.
  I have a pseudo-boyfriend ( Pb, that's the term that I'm adopting for lack of one more precise) with a sex drive as tepid as mine is keen; he certainly likes sex, but only in the morning, only when there's plenty of time, only, only, only... That I am primed at the drop of a hat has been cause for discussion between us; "Sorry, I'm just not feeling up to it," is fine in my book. I have two hands and know how to take care of myself, it's just that I'm made to feel awkward if I either excuse myself for 20 minutes of self-centered pleasure (I'd suggest he watch an episode of Tosh.0 or chat with friends, but we all know how that would go over...) or stay in bed but reach for the lube.
  "Can't you wait until tomorrow morning? You know I'll be horny when I wake up."
  "Why wait? That's hours from now and I'll be horny then too. Probably sometime during the night too."
  This conversation or a variation thereof has happened a few times now. I'd have thought that by now it would not be a big deal. I'm trying to accept you for who you are, just deal with it already. I think my overactive sex drive may be what causes some of the friction in our relationship. If you're current on my blogging, you'll know that my Pb is the self-professed jealous type. I imagine in his mind, every time he notes me talking to anyone he finds remotely attractive, he also imagines that my conversation partner and I are going to zip off to the bathroom for a quick encounter or some such thing. While this is an amusing scenario, I like my encounters to be anything but quick; as my Pb is armed with this information, you'd conjecture he'd think more rationally in situations like the one I've just presented...alas, were it so.
  Talking all of this over one night at dinner, I was asked what I thought about during sex. I asked for clarification on this, "Are we talking about while having sex? Or while masturbating? Or?"
  "All of it."
  I must note that I don't really consider solo masturbation sex per se. Yes, I deriving pleasure from the act; but in my mind sex usually connotes two or more people deriving pleasure together, if I am in the presence of a man/men who are masturbating, this is sort of like cross-training sex; we're all deriving pleasure from the act, but to say that we're getting the pleasure from each other is open to comment. I like what I'm seeing, proximity is in play, but the manifestation of physicality in terms of another's touch is not.
  "Would you think that I'm weird if I said I'm not always thinking about you?"
  "No," I replied. "Sometimes we need to add what's going through our head to what's happening. It's more intense that way." I found it interesting that Pb could accept this statement and not proffer further thoughts of jealousy from the incubi that I readily conjure.
  "What sort of men do you think about? What do you think about them doing?"
  At this point I just sort of smiled and shrugged my shoulders, offering only, "A lot of different types of guys. They do a lot of different things." My incubi would (most certainly) be the subject of jealousy; I'd be damned if my conjurings were going to be abjectly treated by someone who refuses to key me to their thoughts, offering only wan explanations and veiled allegory in lieu of any real insight.
  The point to all of this of course is that I feel like my needs are not being met; I'm made to feel sorry if I think about having sex when I'm not in sight of Pb; ironically though, it's quite the opposite: I relish that he's pushed this to the front of my mind. I see qualities in men that I would not have found attractive or desirable previously, because the jealousy of Pb makes them more apparent to me; where once I merely saw the swell of lips or an ass from behind, I am now treated to commentary via Pb or watching his visual cues as I size someone up. The more preening, the more the veil lifts; I wonder what's going through his mind, knowing not to ask, because the reply will simply be, "I get jealous."
  Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, when I'm stroking my cock later in the evening, I know what'll be on your mind.



1 comment:

  1. This is steamy! Re: Men's writing group, it's hard to forgo psycho-therapeutic comment and focus on style. :-). Another plus, having your blog delivered in by gmail generates the best targeted 3rd party ads down the right side of the page. Keep 'em coming.

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