Amuse-bouche

  A friend of mine in high school was dating a very straight-laced guy; she is a very forward person, he was the epitome of puritanical. One afternoon we were talking about sex, this conversation soon led to things that we'd heard about sex and sexual practices. Someone brought up a story from Cosmo that stated, in a nutshell, that what your guy eats affects how he tastes. If your current beau is a big fan of coffee, chocolate or yerba mate, Cosmo says he'll have definite bitter overtones. He's a big fan of tropical fruit, honey & raspberries you say? Cosmo says he'll roll across your tongue smooth and delicious. Our talk spilled over to personal experiences, soon bringing a crack from my friend about her boyfriend needing a serious dose of pineapple. Out of this conversation a plan was hatched, a case of pineapple was bought & melee ensued; our inner circle was sworn to silence, but our utterances of, "Pineapple or coffee?" were soon picked up by observant members of the student body. No explanations were given, even when pressed. I'm not sure if our gifting of the fruit had its desired effect, as we were soon on to our next caper, but every time I see a Dole Gold pineapple it brings a smile to my face.

  I wonder is there's an index to Cosmo issues; to my knowledge none of us ever read the story in full. I'd like to know who they got to research the piece and whether or not they consulted a cross section of the population. I also wonder if you can tell from the first taste of precum whether the current beau will be acerbic or buttery? Is this like the first taste of wine? Should I sweep these few drops all around my tongue to gauge what is yet to come? (Hmm, there's a pun there.)

  I wonder also if that issue of Cosmo dealt with consistency; unctuous or fluid and how to remedy either... Should I take note of whether he has an affinity for double whiskies with his bar of 85% cocoa or gently simmers his pineapple and papaya in Swiss butter? Is there a questionnaire that I can photocopy and hand out to prescreen? Perhaps I can conduct tastings, soliciting volunteers from the local university. Interesting to think what that booth would look like--Folsom Street Fair comes to campus. I wonder if I could use the Cosmo logo, perhaps solicit help from a few friends and one of the local sororities. Folsom meets Girls Gone Wild meets Haze Him meets...all in the name of scientific study.

  Volunteers?