The Beginning of the End of the Road

This afternoon was the first time in the past few weeks that I really started to wish that time would speed up. I still have a ton of stuff that I need to put in order, but I wished that I could have finished my run, taken a shower, changed into comfy clothes and locked the front door of my house for the last time. Throughout the day I met friends and acquaintances around town who said that departing was bittersweet; I met people that bid me safe travels and hoped we'd keep in touch; I met friends that mulled over what they would do now that ways were parting. I felt guilty in a way that I'd turned my face towards new horizons and shown my back to a place that I call home--I never really expected to call here home: I was going to finish university and get the hell out of dodge as it were. I came back after I graduated thinking that I would stay for a while, get my bearings and go out into the world, and then I just sort of never left. I met people, made friends, put down roots. I tried to convince myself that I was happy here, surrounding myself with the things that make me happy: green growing exotic things, books, good food and wine, obscure erratic "art", just to name a few. I tried to look past the things that I want out of life to the things that I already have: a great place for a long run, snow-covered hills to ski on in the winter, rich black dirt to grow tomatoes. I told myself that I was happy with my job and the way my life was shaping up, I told myself that someday I would get back out in the world, that someday I would see things that I wanted to see, someday. I can't pinpoint the time that I realized I put my life on hold, I can't pinpoint the time that I realized that there's more to the world than what I see on the internet every day, I can't pinpoint the time that I realized a hundred million other thoughts that are even now occurring to me. I can sort back through memories though: heartbreak and the feeling of ennui in realizing that someone you are in love with will never love you back; disbelief and hurt in realizing that friendship only manifests so long as it is mutually beneficial; betrayal and disregard in realizing that commonly held values can not exist in the vacuum that is ego. All these things signaled the beginning of the end of the road; each made me pause and consider what to do next. What could I have done differently? Could I have altered some aspect of life to change the outcomes? Would an alteration have been beneficial--and beneficial to whom? I've never had a clear set of goals in my life; I've always figured that life would just happen and I would see where it took me. I was content, I think. Naive and content. What changed? The short answer is me, but I suspect by my tone you've already surmised this. I've been forced to step away from the present and consider what I want out of my life; not out of life in general mind you, but what I want out of my life. I want to bake bread and feed people. I want to grow things and share flowers with friends and strangers. I want to run through the woods and ski on virgin snow. I want to travel to far-flung places and learn to call them home.

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